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Tuesday, May 06, 2003 I'm Back! Well, I’m finally back and I have a ton to say… let’s see how much of this actually makes it onto the blog. Ever look back at the past—whether a few weeks, months, or years—and beat yourself up over what you could have should have would have done? That’s where I was before I left for the InterVarsity retreat; I’d been screwing myself up academically and I knew it—and suddenly, all of my chances to “do better next semester” were gone. I thought about what I’d done with my four years here and wondered at the amount of time I wasted, time wasted not just with classes but in forming relationships, in music, fiction, you name it. Needless to say, I was in a sorry state. But you wouldn’t have known, because I’m Dawn—I’m invincible. At least that’s what I keep pretending. Enter Cedar Campus. I did not want to be there—I’d actually only gone because Tait persuaded me that I should get away and spend some time in prayer before the “next stage of my life” or something similar and my brother was going to go—we’ve finally started to develop a close relationship (I’ve been waiting for this for years) and I figured it’d be good to hang out with him for a week. It seemed like the worst time possible to leave Ann Arbor—I had a lot of stuff to take care of, like raising support for my trip to France. The first few days I was feeling incredibly introverted (unusual for me, I know), but I did spend a lot of time with God, both just being in his presence and in conversation with him. The time was well worth it. Throughout the week, God beat two points into my head… and when I say beat, I mean they were everywhere—the novel I was reading (I thought it was your average Asian-influenced literary fiction, but it turns out the author is herself a Christian—that was a surprise), the hymns and songs we sung, the speaker for the week, what I was reading in the Bible, nightly room discussions, conversations with friends—you get the picture. After a few days of constant pounding, what he was saying finally started to sink in. 1. His love is unconditional. This is practically cliché in Christian circles, but that makes it no less true. I often think and act as though God’s love is based on performance (i.e. he’ll care more about me if I’m a really good singer instead of a mediocre one) but it’s just not true. He wouldn’t love me any more or less if I were the President of the United States or a mere janitor. I have worth because I am his, because he thinks I am beautiful, that the very essence of me is worth caring about. In a sense, this idea is simple. Yet if I allow this truth to penetrate the very core of my being, the way I live, the way I think, I can’t help but be completely changed. It’s freeing. 2. We were not made to be self-sufficient. Too often I pretend as though I don’t need anyone—I have problems trusting people, trusting God. And yet we were made to support each other. I myself have done nothing; even my faith, which I so often think is entirely dependent on me, is actually a gift from God himself. Grace. Kind of goes along with the first point. Funny how the basic truths of the Christian faith are so difficult to grasp on a deeper level, to the point where they actually change how we live. But with God’s help, we can. ^ Top | 10:10 PM | | | 
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