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Saturday, February 25, 2006 In Anticipation of Bloggy Birthdays, Part I Spring Break at the University of Michigan. It was an otherwise uneventful day, and, as usual, it felt more like winter. But on February 28, 2002, Randomness was born to little fanfare--at that point in the brief history of the internet, few people were blogging. I had a friend question why I would even bother: "Someone's going to want to read your random thoughts online?" Apparently, yes. And blogging has become part of everyday vocabulary. In what has become an annual tradition, we'll be celebrating Randomness's birthday by revisiting some old posts. I was reminded of this post, from February 3, 2005, in a conversation tonight about grammar: The following is a response to the King of the Blogs challenge, "You have just been chosen as the King of the Blogs. Write a speech beginning you[r] reign of terror." Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together today: marriage, that blessed arrangement, that dream within a dream. Oops, wrong speech. Ah yes, I was supposed to prepare my coronation address. Coronation Address Friends, Romans, countrymen… lend me your ears. Anyone who just groaned shall be summarily beheaded. No pardons shall be issued, and no mercy shall be granted. Thus begins my reign in the blogosphere. If you were content, even complacent before, tremble now. My authority is unquestionable and whatever I say shall be law. As king, my first, most important, priority shall be to rid the internet of native English speakers who, for some reason unbeknownst to their former teachers, never mastered the fundamentals of the English language, as evidenced by their atrocious writing. Nobility and peasantry alike, this cannot be tolerated. When one cannot tell the difference between “whether” and “weather,” “waist” and “waste,” “herd and heard,” the complete and utter downfall of the kingdom is at hand. Typos are understandable, if not entirely excusable, but the inability to use correct syntax is despicable. All such bloggers shall be beheaded. The mainstream press is also to be executed when committing such violent injustice to the English language (yes, I did read an article by Fox News confusing “precedent” with “president"). Off with their heads! My second order of business shall be to rid the internet of gratuitous animated gifs, wildly busy backgrounds, and neon colors incoherently piled on top of one another. Animated gifs are not bad in and of themselves, but when one page sports two instances of ten hopping bunnies in a row, something is wrong. There is no excuse for backgrounds that make text unreadable. And like the gifs, neon colors are not bad in and of themselves, but when a blog’s color scheme looks like something created by template in the stone ages of the web, again, there is no excuse. All such pages shall be wiped from collective memory and their creators shall be sent to design school. Third, I wish to reward those faithful companions that have allowed me to rise to kingship. Notably, Bad Example, News from the Great Beyond, and The Smarter Cop [Edit: The Smarter Cop no longer seems to be posting], judges in their most excellent tournament, shall be recompensed with my eternal gratitude and positions as governors in my illustrious kingdom. You will find me to be a stringent potentate, but a worthy one. May my reign, and the glory of the blogosphere that shall be revealed, endure forever. May the Force be with you. ^ Top | 12:08 AM | | | 
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