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Monday, November 20, 2006 How to Earn a Chinese Bride: The Traditional Way For the first time in memory, I experienced a traditional Chinese wedding. The main reason I came to Singapore this time around was for my cousin Esther's wedding; she's the first of the girls to get married (there are only five of us, whereas that many of the guys are already married or engaged--there are 10 of them in all). Potential suitors for Chinese women take note: proving your love is not an easy task. Early in the morning, I went to Esther's apartment to help the jie meis ("sisters"--here, what in America would be bridesmaids) get ready for the groom's arrival with his "brothers" (groomsmen). In order to gain access to the bride, they would have to bribe us with ang bao ("red packets" filled with money) and perform a set of tasks. We concocted a mixture of vinegar, raw eggs, coffee, and curry powder for them to drink and spread wasabi and chili on crackers, covering the whole mess with more chili sauce and curry powder, for them to eat. When the men arrived, we demanded from the window that they sing Esther's favorite song as loudly as possible so that she would be able to hear from her room on the fifth floor of the building. Marvin was prepared: he distributed lyric sheets to the brothers. Since Esther was laughing at the noise, we allowed them to come upstairs. But we wouldn't open the door. We demanded ang bao (Constance, the oldest female cousin, set the figure at $999.99), which they slipped underneath the door after much badgering. When we opened the packet, we found two $5000 notes--but they were in rupees (I didn't catch the country, but apparently they weren't worth much). So naturally, we commanded him to give us more. Time was short and they were proving recalcitrant, so eventually we opened the door--but not the gate in front of it. We gave them the drinks as punishment and told them they had to drink every glass--which they did (the look on Marvin's face was priceless). Then we gave Marvin some paper and markers and told him that he had to write "I love you" in three languages on the card, which he would later give to his bride. While he was doing this, we quizzed him on Esther's height--he gave the correct answer, but we told the brothers that he was wrong and made them eat the crackers as punishment. We promised them more crackers if they didn't immediately hand over more ang bao--at which point the brothers told Marvin to hand over everything he had left. With a thick stack of $2 bills in hand, we gave them the gate key. Once inside, we told Marvin to stand behind the brothers and made his friends spell "I love you!" (the exclaimation point was very important) by swirling their butts. (Since this was all being videotaped for posterity--and would also be shown at the wedding dinner that night--it was highly entertaining.) We then told Marvin that his bride was in her room; he opened the door to be greeted with Auntie Suzanne instead. After the shock, he found Esther in her brother's room and handed her the card. But before he could kiss her, we made him perform the butt dance that the brothers had done earlier. Being a bridesmaid in a Chinese wedding is excellent: not only do you get to torture the groom and his friends, but you also walk out of the affair with money in your pocket. Which is a dramatic difference from American weddings, where you end up spending money on things like dresses you only wear once, gifts, and throwing parties. ^ Top | 4:35 AM | | | 
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